Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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