I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His hands were made for my vagina.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
