Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
