I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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