I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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