My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
