KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
