Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
