You smell like a Billy Joel song
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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