youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
