How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
