We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What drink are we having for lunch?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
