talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
