my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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