hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
