I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
