She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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