Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
