Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
