it's too hot outside to masturbate.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
