they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize