I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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