Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
