It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
