I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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