so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
