I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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