so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
