Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
