The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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