I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
