i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I need to stop coming to work sober
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
