I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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