I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize