I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
