I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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