I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
