Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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