A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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