i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
