she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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