I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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