walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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