hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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