Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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