I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
