i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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