i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
