I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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