I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think I won the penis lottery.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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