All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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