Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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