She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
