sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
