I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
